Pitch Black

PITCH BLACK

Rating: C
When we first meet our heroes, they're blissfully in hypersleep as their deep-space passenger ship cruises on autopilot toward some nonspecific destination (Earth, maybe?). As the saying goes, hypersleep makes strange bedfellows, and the motley bunch here includes a multiple murderer just collared after breaking out of space prison, the bounty hunter who nabbed him, a snobby Frenchman with a love for vintage wines, a black-muslim-type religious guru with a small band of child followers (don't ask me what that's all about), and a cute blonde chick. My favorite of the bunch is the cute blonde chick. Everyone is in hypersleep, that is, except the convict (Vin Diesel), who apparently only faked going to sleep so he could read comic books under the covers after everyone else nodded off. Fortunately, the others anticipated he might pull such a stunt, and put him in shackles and a horse-bit gag; the gag presumably to keep him from disturbing their repose with his incessant yakking.

The uninterrupted hypersleep is something yet to be achieved in American cinema, with Planet of the Apes and Alien being two examples of noble but failed efforts at such. In this case, it's a meteor shower which plays the part of the neighbor with the loud lawnmower, and minute space particles pierce the hull and set off all sorts of pierced hull alarms. If you thought your alarm clock was obnoxious - how would you like to be awakened with an "excuse me, but you are currently ten bazillion miles from the nearest inhabitable planet, your spaceship just sprung a leak, and we thought you might like to be fully conscious when you die a horrible death"?

Sprung from their hypersleep chambers, the blonde chick (Radha Mitchell) and the ship's captain scramble for the pilot seats (I didn't bother introducing you to the captain because, frankly, he's not long for this movie), and thus begins space movie crash sequence #31,512. It's here we first notice the cameraman has a severe case of delirium tremens. They have these wonderful inventions called the "tripod" and the "steadicam" for those individuals challenged by the daunting task of holding a camera steady, but apparently such extravagancies were outside the film's budget. The good part is that the constant camera shake helps to divert our attention from all the ship hardware scavenged at the Alien surplus sale. The blonde screams into her microphone,"We're too heavy in the ass!" I had actually already noticed this but wasn't going to mention it. But then I realize she's referring to the ship, as she starts to jettison everything that isn't her in an attempt to lighten the load. This unfortunately includes the passenger compartment. Her dialogue during all this is particularly imaginative: "Shit... shit... SHIT... SHIT!... oh, shit." I can easily imagine the script woman perusing the page after a take and saying with a frown,"We'll have to go again. You left out a 'shit'."

Pitch Black isn't a complete waste of filmstock, it's just that it never aspires to be anything more than yet another Alien retread. When the spaceship crash-lands on a barren planet, the crew encounters swarming hordes of carnivorous beasties. These monsters were designed by Patrick Tatopolous, the same guy who managed to design a new Godzilla totally lacking in personality. Not only are these new creations devoid of personality, everything about them looks like an "Alien" ripoff vainly trying not to look like an "Alien" ripoff. It doesn't help matters that the computer graphics used to bring the creatures to life are consistently second-rate. The sole exception to this is a scene late in the film where the CGI is actually quite well-rendered during a closeup of one of the beasts. But one scene is hardly enough to save the film, and its quality amongst the rest of the bargain basement effects makes it stick out like a sore thumb.

The script sometimes seems to go out of its way to drive you crazy. The "pitch black" of the title occurs during an eclipse of all three of the planet's suns. Why these people just happen to land on the planet in time for an event which only occurs every twenty-two years is never explained as anything but a tremendous coincidence. Couldn't the darkness (which brings out the monsters) just have been made a result of the planet's nighttime? After all, the writers could make the night period last as long as they wanted. Likewise, why bother having the planet have three separate suns if you're going to make an eclipse a major part of the plot? Having three suns obscurred at once only seems that much more implausible. The whole point of the "three suns/it's never dark" premise was to explain how a previous human establishment could have been built before those people were ripped to shreds by the monsters. But in retrospect, the existence of the previous colony is never critical to the plot, and just forces the writers to jump through hoops to get the darn lights turned out so the scares can begin.

The last portion of the film alternates between scenes which present interesting dilemmas for the characters, and scenes which make you muse to the filmmakers,"Now why'd ya have to go and do that?" And although the concept of Diesel's misguided life being a cynical reaction to his disappointment in mankind is interesting, I didn't buy that the same character weaknesses which led him to murder in the first place wouldn't eventually resurface again after the movie ends. See it at a second-run theater if you're desperate for a popcorn fix; otherwise wait for the video.