Dungeons & Dragons

DUNGEONS & DRAGONS

Rating: C
From what I could sort out, there seems to be two species of dragons differentiated by their color - gold and red. The good Queen of Izmer (Thora Birch) possesses a golden scepter which controls the golden dragons for the protection of the empire. Jeremy Irons, our resident power hungry villain, seeks a legendary red scepter that will give him control of the red dragons, so he can make them rise up against the gold ones and seize power from the Queen. Leads Justin Whalin and Marlon Wayans are two petty thieves who get caught with their hands in the cookie jar and are pressed into service by magician Zoe McLellan (who's on the Queen's side) to find the red scepter before the villains do. If you're not following any of this, trust me when I say it really doesn't matter.

There are enough good action sequences scattered throughout to at least make this film worth a look when it comes out on video. My favorite occurs when Whalin must navigate his way through a maze of lethal hazards to obtain a baseball-sized ruby needed for his quest. Although similarities to Indiana Jones are undeniable, some fresh twists infuse the scenes with life. For example, no sooner does Whalin decipher the pattern of the stone tiles on the floor, then they start flipping over and changing as he attempts to jump from one "safe" tile to the next. Meanwhile, the wall behind him is moving toward him, making the room smaller by the second. And try not to think about the bursts of flame shooting from the walls...

The acting is spotty, with just about everyone turning in some scenes which probably made them cringe at the premiere. Jeremy Irons, like so many big-name stars who play villains in comic book movies, hams it up too much. Thora Birch is nowhere near as convincing as she was in American Beauty and often seems completely at sea. Leads Whalin and Wayans are generally adequate, although their back-and-forth banter is tired and predictable. A couple of cameos related to the sci-fi and fantasy genres are also worth mentioning. Richard O'Brien (Riff Raff from The Rocky Horror Picture Show) plays the leader of the proverbial den of thieves. Meanwhile, former Dr. Who Tom Baker portrays the king of a clan of benevolent elves. When Baker saves Whalin's life, and then explains to him why the red scepter will only lead to destruction, I expected to see Whalin burning the map to the scepter's hiding place in the very next scene. Instead, he and his cohorts continue their search totally oblivious to what they've just been told. They don't seem to understand the plot any more than I do.

In the land of Izmer, fashion blunders abound. Irons' head henchman Damodar (Bruce Payne) wears light blue lipstick. Never mind that anyone named "Damodar" probably shouldn't be wearing lipstick in the first place, the real problem is that light blue simply is not his shade. But no one is brave enough to tell him. For her part, the Queen wears this sort of gold shimmery chain mail thing that makes her look like a cross between a belly dancer and a christmas tree. It's the sort of fashion catastrophe only a queen can get away with, but I bet there's still a lot of gossip among the maidservants. Then there's the metal breastplate sported by the female elf who accompanies our heroes on their journey. Why is it that whenever women pick out a breastplate they always buy one which makes their breasts look three times as large as they actually are? Doesn't Izmer have truth in advertising laws?

The CGI dragons are interesting to watch, but definitely a couple of notches below the critters from Jurassic Park and Dragonheart in terms of realism. This is unfortunate, since they're often relied on to carry the scenes they're in, and the filmmakers are so busy hiding their deficiencies with motion blur and (virtual) swooping camera moves that the poor audience isn't left with much to focus on. Indeed, in the climactic battle between the red and gold dragons in the sky above Izmer, there's not a single memorable shot of the dragons clashing in life-or-death struggles. Had these shots been done right, they could have made the film something special. Instead the movie is let down hard by its lackluster visual effects.

One of the biggest surprises in the script is unfortunately emasculated by the last scene in the film. At least I think it is. Actually, the more I mull it over, the more I realize I don't know what the hell is supposed to have happened in the movie's final scene. But I'm pretty sure this movie had something to do with dragons. And dungeons, too, I think.