Coyote Ugly

COYOTE UGLY

Rating: C
Shouldn't a film named after a bar called "Coyote Ugly" actually be about the bar called "Coyote Ugly"? Yeah, I thought so too. What we get instead is yet one more tired romantic plot. These plots can all be summarized as follows: young, attractive boy meets young attractive girl. At first, they don't get along, but then they begin to warm to one another. Just when everything in the romance finally seems to be going right, some earth-shaking revelation (he said with sarcasm) causes the happy couple to break apart. Nine times out of ten, the problem is the girl finds out the guy only started dating her to win a bet. The other time, the boyfriend discovers something distasteful in the girl's past. Like if he finds out what really goes on in a bar called "Coyote Ugly" where she works as a waitress. But as sure as day follows have a nice, the star-crossed lovers will be reunited in the finale. Memorize this tired formula, and you, too, can be a Hollywood screenwriter.

In the beginning of the film, things are looking pretty good. We're introduced to the owner and waitresses at Coyote Ugly, and there appears to be some interesting plot and character development ahead. Heck, we might even get some insight into who these people are, and how they view their jobs and the male patrons who drool over them nightly. But then reality sets in, and we're rudely reminded we're watching a Jerry Bruckheimer film helmed by a mediocre director and written by a mediocre screenwiter.

Some movies start out well, then gradually lose steam and end up limping home through the stretch. This film hits a brick wall and stops dead in the water. Let's see if we can enumerate the sappy clichés: Piper Perabo is an aspiring songwriter, but she has extreme stage fright and can't perform her songs in front of people. Then one day in the bar, the rowdy patrons are on the verge of starting a riot. Perabo, in a panic, glances down at the microphone. Do you think she'll overcome her stage fright and start singing just to save the place? If you answered, "I'm not sure," slap yourself hard.

Then there's tough-as-nails bar owner Lil (Maria Bello), with the tattooed bicep and the baseball bat behind the counter. She runs a tight ship and she'll fire your butt at the drop of a hat if you don't pull your weight. Care to guess if she turns out to be a real softy at the end? Care to guess if Perabo's father John Goodman (bitterly opposed to her working at the bar) will come around to her way of thinking before the credits roll? Care to guess if Perabo will perform a duet with LeAnn Rimes to bring down the curtain? Okay, that last one might not have been so self-evident. But if you go to see this movie and something like that happens, don't be too surprised.

The best parts of the movie are the scenes (no kidding?) inside the bar. We get an inkling that the waitresses/bartenders are just playing up to the customers to increase the flow of liquor sales. I know this will be a disappointment to the guys who patronize the real "Coyote Ugly" in New York City, but that cute blonde waitress with the ample cleavage and the toned midriff may not really find your bald pate and overhanging gut irresistibly attractive. Then there are the scenes of the girls dancing on the bar, breathing fire (literally), and splashing water on each other. It all looks like a Duran Duran video (which isn't necessarily bad), but unfortunately such scenes keep being interrupted by that pesky thing called the plot. They should have strung these shots together, released it as a music video on MTV, and forgotten about the movie altogether.