Cold Creek Manor

COLD CREEK MANOR

Rating: C-

False advertising.

Remember how Snoopy used to begin all his novels? Well, this movie is the cinematic embodiment of "It was a dark and stormy night." Throughout, we keep waiting (desperately hoping) for a twist - any twist - to appear and jump-start the hackneyed tepid bathwater of a plot. But the twist never comes, and when the final scene fades to black, the audience is left staring in wonderment at the banality of it all.

It certainly doesn't help matters that the marketing campaign was deceptive to the point of being fraudulent. The theatrical trailer led us to believe this was a supernatural thriller. And although early on the film hints it may be heading in this direction, let me state in no uncertain terms THIS IS NOT A SUPERNATURAL THRILLER. Not only are there absolutely no supernatural elements involved, but I'd go so far as to question whether it even qualifies as a thriller. Thrillers, after all, are supposed to keep you on the edge of your seat, not repeatedly glancing at your watch.

Dennis Quaid and his wife Sharon Stone decide to pack up their two kids and leave New York City for less stressful digs in the upstate countryside. They settle on a dilapidated estate known as Cold Creek Manor, which they purchase for a song because the bank foreclosed on the previous owner. One might assume somewhere along the line they would've found out that not only was the previous owner (Stephen Dorff) foreclosed on because he went to prison, but that he was due to be released just about the time the happy family was moving in. However, Quaid and Stone don't learn any of this until said former owner shows up inside their house one day. And take my word that this is one ex-con who isn't interested in fighting crime.

You can pretty much imagine everything which happens next. But I can't resist telling some of it anyway. When Quaid buys a pony for the kids, you know right then and there that its head is destined for someone's bed or a boiling pot on the stove. Dorff interjects himself into the family's lives by asking for a job restoring the estate, quickly becoming as irritating as Michael Keaton in Pacific Heights. Stone and Quaid can't stand him, but politeness and a sense of guilt keep them from telling him to take a hike. And so on. To cap things off, during the film's climax a thunder and lightning storm suddenly arises - I kid you not. Sometimes, it's as if director Mike Figgis is deliberately trying to make his film as hokey as possible. And boy does he succeed.

On a positive note, Kristen Stewart plays Quaid's and Stone's daughter. You may recall I've, um, mistaken her for a boy once or twice in the past. I'm proud to report I actually got her gender correct right from the start this time. When a movie's this dull, you've gotta be thankful for the little things.

Aaaand, one final public service announcement. In a truly ridiculous scene where poisonous snakes instantaneously pop up throughout the house (one even follows Quaid up the stairs!), the filmmakers pull the old trick of employing a harmless scarlet king snake to pass for the notoriously venomous coral snake. Never mind asking how a coral snake would ever get to upstate New York, the point is that both have skins covered by alternating bands of red, black, and yellow. But the sequencing of the bands is different on each snake, and I fear if the record isn't set straight here, little Johnny and little Johnny's Mom might go into fatal conniptions if they ever encounter a king snake. So remember:

Red next to yellow - kill a fellow,
Red next to black - friend of Jack.

Who says this site isn't educational?