Subject: Coyote Ugly

Although not my favorite film of all time, in reference to your review I wonder if you actually watched it?

- Nyk

That tells me nothing.

What in my (expertly written and incredibly astute) review don't you agree with?

-- N-M

Hey buddy, what is wrong with you? I think you're just one of those environmentalist wackos that Rush Limbaugh talks about. All your concerned about is yourself. You have know reason to complain about SUVs on the road if you're gonna complain about jury duty at the same time. Here are to reasons why: 1) You have know idea how screwed up the Press is when they write about how HORRIFYING SUVs are (Do they, the SUVs, have a life of their own or something?) 2)What is your problem with jury duty? Think of what your country has done for you and you can't give a little back?...If you can't handle a little jury duty then get the hell outa this country! Trust me, I've seen enough to know we live in a lot better circumstances than a lot of other places in the world.

I swear I don't make these up.

1. As soon as you admit to listening to Rush Limbaugh, 99% of the population thinks "Aha! Gullible idiot!"

2. You're an SUV advocate, and you say I'm the one who's concerned only about himself?

3. If I complain that SUV drivers aren't socially responsible, I can't justify shirking my "civic responsibility" of jury duty. Is that what you're trying to say? Show me how avoiding jury duty endangers people's lives or squanders natural resouces or adds unnecessary pollution to the environment, and the comparison might be justified.

I question the whole concept that jury duty is somehow a citizen's "civic responsibility." Our entire capitalist economy is, for good or bad, monetarily driven. Can't afford your car payments? Your car gets repossessed. Can't make the rent this month? You get evicted. Laid off from your job? The bank will perform its civic duty of foreclosing on your home, without a second thought. If any of these things happen, ask the good people of the court if they care. Then suggest that the courts be subject to these same cold economic principles and suddenly they start whining about civic responsibility. All the while the judge and lawyers are among the most overpaid people on the planet. Of course these very same judges and lawyers have manipulated the law so that they are spared the inconvenience of ever having to serve on a jury. A good question might be why are they exempt? Does familiarity with the law suddenly make one a poor juror?

So go ahead and serve all the jury duty you want - I'm genuinely happy there are people who feel as you do. It's because of suckers like you that people like me won't have to serve. I've been on two trial cases, and both were decidely negative experiences. That's enough for one life.

-- N-M

Hi,
Your SUV pages are awesome! I agree with you in every way shape or form. Would you mind if I put a link to your site on my site? Nothing big, it's just a free server site on stuff I have and love... Also would you mind if I quoted you in a paper I'm writing for school? Keep up the good work.

-Steve

For the record (and here I'm speaking to everyone), I don't mind if another website links to one of my pages - in fact, I appreciate it.

The only problem I have is when someone directly links to an image, rather than to the page that image is on. Image linking is bandwidth theft, pure and simple. And if you're guilty of this heinous crime, I reserve the right to change that image to something truly nasty.

-- N-M

Dear Author of Net-Monster:

I'm sure you've gotten many kudos for your brilliant SUV articles. I LOVE them, and I love the fact that I don't feel alone in the world. God help us, when will this fad die? It's been going strong now for more than a freaking decade. I hate to say it, but I hope gas goes up to $5/gallon for at least a year or so. I think that would stick a fork in this beast and make the things as despised as they deserve to be. Myself, I am in Phoenix so I constantly ride my motorcycle. 45 miles/gallon is the only way to live.

Your work is a true benefit to society.

Best wishes,
Mike V.

(The author is on the faculty of Scottsdale Community College, in Scottsdale, Arizona.)

Yes, I've gotten kudos. But predictably, I've also been vilified. Guess that means I struck a nerve, which is good.

I understand what you're saying about gas going up to $5 per gallon. I don't think either of us really wants that, but a direct attack upon the wallet may be the only thing these blissfully ignorant and self-absorbed SUV drivers will understand.

-- N-M

Pal, if you'd ever done a single day on the street, you'd recognize how spot on the film NARC is. But, like most pasty-white, ineffectual assholes who while away their time lashing out at the world from behind their Dell laptops, you prefer the safety of mom's basement and a lifetime hall pass from the rigors of the real world.

You miss what is obvious to just about anybody who watches the film. The cop genre is merely a backdrop in which two amazing character studies are undertaken. Far from hollywood bullshit like "Training Day" (which you inexplicably grant a B to) "Narc" is complex and deep and works on a number of levels.

Hang up the pen pal, your reviews aren't witty or insightful enough to lift you to even the third of fourth tier of online wags. I hope you've got a day job, 'cuz there's no way you could be making a living off this shit.

Yours,

A concerned viewer.

I hate it when the director writes in.

So I take it you've led a life of police work on the street. Send me a picture of your badge when you get a chance.

This was a "character study"? Where I come from, a character study involves exploring the intricacies of deep and complex personalities, not trotting out every cliché from every primetime cop show in the past twenty years. In order for it to work, the characters need to be identifiable as real people, such as those in 25th Hour. Narc is simply hack screenwriting from start to finish. I guess I'm also getting tired of every other movie to come along trying to rip off scenes from a Tarantino film.

I couldn't help noticing how badly Narc tanked at the box office. After eight weeks in release, its domestic gross was just under $10 million. For a major studio release with two established stars, a haul of $30 million would still be considered a certifiable flop. So I was curious how Narc could underperform so badly, when most major releases make more than $10 million in their opening weekend. Turns out, the distributor released it to a limited number of theaters initially, then opened it wider once word of mouth began to get around. Such a strategy is often employed when the marketing people feel they have a good film on their hands but which is a tough sell. Well, word of mouth got around, all right, but not the kind they were hoping for. Bombs away!

Of course, studies have consistently shown that a positive review from Net-Monster.com will add about $50 million to any film's gross.

-- N-M