HOME THEATER SYSTEMS
If yours is one of the estimated three million homes having a home theater system, you've probably come to a realization - the system has a way of becoming more important than the movie it's playing. Once you discover the wonders of Dolby Digital 5.1 audio, you'll never watch another movie without listening to make sure all the various speaker settings are tweaked just so.
(Who the hell is Tara Lipinski? Sorry - watching the Super Bowl while I'm typing this. A commercial just came on that says Tara Lipinski has retired. I think I'm supposed to know who she is...)
It starts innocently enough. You're happy with your VCR, and see no reason to bother getting involved with DVD. Maybe if you ignore it, it'll go away by itself (like minidiscs). But then one day you're shopping for a new CD player, and you notice that for not too much more you can buy a DVD player that also plays CD's. You've now taken their bait - welcome to the beginnings of the downward spiral.
Of course, having the DVD player also be the CD player leads naturally to the next step: it becomes the path of least resistance to put your stereo speakers in the same room as your television. Then it occurs to you that it might be cool to have the television audio play through the stereo speakers. Since you need a receiver anyway, you can either buy one that can't decode Dolby 5.1 (and is therefore pretty much obsolete before you buy it), or you can buy one that can. Guess which one you choose. Congratulations, before you know what hit you, you've purchased the basics of a home theater system. They played you like a grand piano.
(Why do they provide aerial shots of a football game played in a domed stadium?)
It's all downhill from here. I guarantee you will begin selecting movies based on how well they'll sound on your system, not on how good they are. Let's face it, you didn't just spend upward of $1200 on a five-channel digital audio system to watch My Dinner With Andre. When you're in the corner video store and Armageddon catches your eye, you won't be thinking of its moronic plot. You'll be thinking how dramatic those flaming cars will look hurtling through the air accompanied by thunderous explosions booming all around you.
(Someone should get prison time for some of these Super Bowl commercials.)
And don't think for a moment that once you get your system you're all set. During those quiet, pensive moments when you're alone and the echo from the last meteor impact is fading out, your thoughts will drift to some of the weaknesses of the format. The primary one (a veritable Achilles' heel, in my opinion) is that all dialogue is channeled through the center speaker. Not only does this mean the dialogue is played back in mono rather than stereo, but it also means those beautiful stereo speakers you spent a month's salary on are relegated to a supporting role for 60-80% of the movie. To combat this weakness you can remove the center speaker and channel the dialogue to the left and right front stereo speakers, but you'll have to move them relatively close to the TV - thereby losing some of the surround sound effect and gaining the derision of your audiophile friends. Or you can spend another $300-$400 on a center speaker good enough that it almost sounds as good as your stereo speakers, and at least doesn't make the movie characters sound like they're speaking into a soup can. You'll also discover that, contrary to all the hype, five channels is really not enough to create true three-dimensional sound. If the surround speakers are located a few feet above ear level (as is usually recommended), helicopters and airplanes whizzing out of the upper corners of the frame will sound like they're passing overhead, but the sounds of bullet casings bouncing off the floor won't be so convincing coming from above. But don't worry, there's already talk of systems with six (or even ten) channels heading our way, and it's a sure bet they'll require investing in totally new equipment.
So there you are, watching a dramatic life-or-death shootout between Keanu Reeves and a platoon of S.W.A.T. guys. But instead of being on the edge of your seat hoping Keanu makes it out alive, you're noticing the left surround speaker is sounding a bit "sourcy", and the right one seems to have faded below the level of hearing. You're also wondering if perhaps the delay should be adjusted from five microseconds to ten. And it seems like the last time you watched this scene you could hear the background music better. And why, if the exact same settings seemed to work so well for Godzilla, aren't they working now? Then your buddy tells you that although 5.1 Dolby is okay, the new DTS format DVD's (which your system can't play, by the way) are where it's really at.
But all I really want to know at this point is who the hell is Tara Lipinski?
